My Epic Journey
Editor’s Note: Like any epic story, it will be long. This one on the other hand isn’t boring. You might have heard of something similar but I lived this. This is my life. My friends and family experienced my journey on a second hand basis; and even they don’t truely know what I went through and i’ve never bothered or tried to explain it to them.
This is a testament for those who say they can understand, but truely can not. Its not your fault, accept it. As someone once said: Accept the things you can not change and god will give you the strength to accept the challenges, that will create a new and better change, for everyone. Actually I don’t know who said the first part and I just reworded the second part. I heard my mom say “god give me strength” many times when I was manic.
I’ve broken down some sections before I start the journey to give you information so you don’t get lost or confused along the way. The structure is coherent so don’t bother skipping any bits or pieces, nothings irrelevant. I don’t know how much you know about mental disorders and the unknown, so I have to tell you everything that is considered relevant to my story. Whats the point of reading the whole thing if you won’t understand.
MANIC -> DEPRESSION -> MANIC -> DEPRESSION
Since I can remember, I’ve always had stages of extreme happiness and extreme sadness that occurred in cycles or patterns; as I grew older it seems that the time of the manic period increased and so did the amount of mania and hyperactivity, however this was also relative to the depression aspect once I dipped down from mania and hit rock bottom again. I was always known as that crazy or weird kid. If it wasn’t for my charisma and what ever made me interesting, I’d probably never have had one true friend. From a young age I knew I was different, even more different than the people that are considered different. Never have I been bothered or worried about being scrutinized, getting into trouble or achieving my goals. I have done scary, insane, amazing and wonderful things in my life even before It was thought that I could have bi-polar. My parents are super cool and accept both their kids as is. I sure got into a lot of trouble growing up, but it was enforced that If I don’t get punished, I won’t learn from my actions and thus carry on doing what is considered to be a mistake, wrong or damaging to whoever and whatever.
My first interaction with a computer was when I was about 7, it was an Acorn that was found in the schools library. The user interface, although simplistic back then sparked my enthusiasm for technology – I wanted to know how it works and pursued it through out my life and figured out at 14 how computers operate on a hardware level, and also understanding how the software, operating system and other components function. To this day I still mess around with technology when I have a new idea or function I would like to try out or test, a lot of the time it fails but Its more proof of concept than producing anything of value. I’ve always thought: If I can think something up, then someone else can think up the exact same thing and never contributed to any society.
Around about the same age I was sent for tests to find out what was wrong with me. ADD and ADHD were the options, yet my brain activity showed no responses in those areas that would usually be triggered. Having been mentally and physically scrutinized and analyzed for the first time, had created the fear of hospitals, clinics, doctors and nurses. I felt like I was functioning fine, granted that there were some flaws in my actions and train of thought, but it never impaired me because I just operated differently and knew that.
This lead to my research and basic understanding of all the mental disorders and diseases I could lay my eyes on. I could not really understand what causes any of the symptoms mentioned, only a solution to cut out the cause, this made me very oppositional towards medication of any kind if presented in a synthetic form. Before I was diagnosed I already had a problem with the idea of medicating bi-polar 2 after seeing a documentary with Stephen Fry, about his journey to find other people like him. I seemed to think medicating bi-polar 2 created a flat line in the brain. I thought there was only computation and no inspiration or emotions. If you were unmedicated you remained crazy forever and when medicated you are a zombie of some sort. This was the impression I got at that young age of 17 and I was very wrong about my assumptions and self made up conclusions.
When medicated the highs and lows are curbed, there is a cut off point or ceiling; the mania or depression can’t go higher or lower than a threshold or certain point that is set by creating a chemical balance or equilibrium within the brain. I know it as fact now because I am a functioning and medicated bi-polar 2 patient. I would say I have more creativity and a streamlined train of thought when it comes to completing a task – my order or sequence for completing the task is not the same to a regular person, but its more rational in my mind and leads to a better, quicker and enhanced result. Having the right combination of medication makes me want to be productive because I can actually see great results, all the time. I’d rather have a consistent production quality over absolute shit work and amazing work and mediocre work. I can actually see myself getting better by figuring out new tricks and applying them, everything is calculated as it should be, there is no more resistance in my brain. My recovery period was hell. I felt damned because I had ventured into the unknown and learnt about what should never ever be known. It took me about a year and a half to reach this point and have my body adjust to the chemical changes and realize my perceptions and mind stimulate what mood I will be in – If I want to be angry and frustrated with something it will happen, If I want to be happy about something it will happen too. Its my choice to accept or ignore an emotion, I don’t have full control and I can do nothing about them in certain situations.
I achieved many personal goals in the latter half of 2011 that I had set out a long time before I went on this epic journey. I had set my mind to be determined and not to take failure as an option, from the day of my release. If I can’t scale an obstacle I will find another method or way of achieving the desired results. I practiced my guitar a lot, I researched and leant about skills I was lacking. I worked extra hard and also got accustomed to executing and even enjoying mundane tasks. Being busy with interactive and learning tasks eased my mind the most. I never managed to process what I went through and I know I can’t talk to any sane person about it; they would immediately assume I have gone insane again. I kept the stuff I posted on this blog a secret from everyone around me and only showed them my silly work when I was manic. Reflecting from a stable perspective, everything still makes complete and logical sense to me. This time period was very tough for me, many times I felt I had set the bar too high and I can not achieve what I set out to do. I wanted to unsee and unknow everything I had gone through: suicide made no sense to me because I wasn’t feeling depressed – I was just stuck. I never let the defeatist attitude get to me and always remembered everything I experienced when on the trip. I recall that nothing is impossible if you think it might be possible. My whole trip and journey feels like a lifetime was lived, my brain was never inactive and over the time of the trip it started processing exponentially faster and faster. When I reflect upon everything prior to my release including my childhood, feels like a past life. It feels as if i’ve been reincarnated and the journey wasn’t actually apart of my life at all in any form. It feels like a movie i’ve watched, but I know it was real. It felt like a dream where everything is vivid and felt real – I was detached from reality, thats why.
THE END OF AN EPIC TRIP
I was 23 and was admitted to a psych ward after what could have been the peak of any of the mania I had ever experienced. I was seeing layered shapes and colours we can’t acknowledge with out being on a hallucinogenic drug. My minds natural intuition had separated from my brain, I was processing everything at a hyper speed and making energy connections with structures and their impact on the environment; such as seeing cars and exhaust smoke and how it affects trees and pedestrians, along with how a shadow cast by a building affected growth of plants. I could see the wind as a layer. This all happened extremely fast and instinctively for me and no computation was needed to understand anything, I had stopped paying attention and questioning because I was now under the absolute impression that I knew everything there is to know, and what ever I didn’t know was found in books or connections for those ideas had to be made to prove the concepts and their existence. This all happened outside the hospital while I was having a smoke and my admission forms had been filled out. I realized briefly for a moment that I was being institutionalized but I couldn’t process my own thoughts, I could only observe and interact with my environment. I would like to think I was still getting into the thick of things during that point and I could have learnt way more about the unknown world we question so easily. All I know is that there is still a lot we do not know about the unknown. I will never go back there again in this life time to find any answers for humanity or myself. It is what it is. Knowing the truth is overwhelming and very few people can actually handle the experience of the truth first hand and the nature of existence. The deception of reality in the purest form of absolution. I was a certified crazy in any outsiders eyes. I could not verbally defend myself and justify my position nor did I have the will to physically defend myself. It was time for the end and I knew it…
I was admitted at the perfect time. I had what is considered true lunacy, psychosis, delusions, schizophrenia and mania. During this peak high I had said that I was Jesus the third and after being shouted at, I said instead, I was the Vitruvian man. People didn’t quite understand me so I did star jumps to attempt to explain Leonardo Da Vinci’s drawing, dialog made little difference to them. I was rambling on about having an eight core processor as my brain and how it works with poles and dipoles, hemispheres and functions just like the earths magnetic field. I also rambled on about how the logical side of the brain is cognition and how the left side is intuition; when there is a spark or chemical reaction in the brain it is from when cognition data and intuition data meet and creates a result and our perception. That would all be pretty impressive given some time with a notebook and the internet, but not then. My ramblings were insanely fast and incoherent. These were filled with logical leaps, with me never once realizing these people don’t know what I know, they never experienced or have seen what I have. I was the only one that could make sense of it all. Prior to this high-level mania I had lost everyone on an intellectual level because I had found rational data in the irrational and had made up complicated and relative equations using electricity, steradians, radians, hertz and other variables to scientifically define light and the reactions of synapses and other things we really know nothing about. I had a very tough time verbalizing with the fast pace of thought and my mouths limited amount of words per minute and excessive logical leaps; due to the massive idea being conveyed. What would take me 3 – 5 days to research, figure out and conceptualize could take an average research team a life time to conclude. There were no logical leaps or assumptions occurring in my brain, It all made logical sense to me and I saw every detail – It was just getting it out that gave that impression. If I could have shared the information differently I would have, yet it wouldn’t have made much of a difference, I showed all the signs of a mental disorder or mental disease in full effect. To them I was making no sense and speaking gibberish.
I could testify and am pretty sure the trip I was on would probably not be survived by many of the most hardened or experienced drug addicts. That realm is creepy, weird and illogical – the world of true deception and irrationality; living in reality and the reality above at the same time. When I say “won’t survive” I mean their mind will come back scarred or tainted. They might have small recollections of what they saw and did, but their memory would be wiped clean or have massive gaps at some stage during the trip. Idle processing would occur until reaching a lower level in that high again which activates the previously disabled parts of the brain. The brain would seize to function on certain levels of disassociation because the primal self blocks out those areas of the brain that make sense of the experience and perceptions – a natural mechanism protecting itself from trauma and memories of trauma. If I was resistant to the truth/illogical, and didn’t want it or acknowledge it; my brain would have disabled certain functionality and processing areas once the truth/illogical is perceived as a threat – a regular defensive mechanism. Depending on the amount of time spent with the brain in a dead zone or inactive zone(amount of extreme disassociation and inactive brain parts), would then create a form of brain damage at some point – similar to post traumatic stress and not quite retardation either. The disabled parts of the brain gets no stimulation from the rest of the active parts of the brain and creates a zombie. The primal self is not designed to take drugs or have trips that disassociate the mind from the body and reality, let alone going beyond reality and in to other realms. The primal self is not designed to explore the 5th dimension and whats beyond the fourth wall. The peak of my mania can be compared to other crazy psych ward patients. An outsiders perspective of me could easily reflect the chaotic and scattered internal workings of my mind at that time. I know if I remained where I was for a few more days my body would have physically started dying from malnourishment and from having stopped looking after it, I wasn’t there to guide it or give instructions – It was running on instincts. I only followed habits of smoking lots of weed, chain smoking cigarettes and binge drinking. I don’t ever recall eating at all. It sounds very absurd and far fetched that I can remember everything, but I do. Although having lost my mind, it is intact now and some how functions better than it ever did before. It shows something positive has happened to me and I was guided through this maze. Recovery wasn’t easy and i’m on medication for the rest of my life, I have no choice.
My ramblings continued into the psych ward, it took me a while to realize I was in an unfamiliar place, I put together the pieces after a while – the nurse and beds in a ward. My heart dropped, paranoia struck, I knew they had found out about me… Unaware at the time that I was told by a Doctor that I am bi-polar and I am now being admitted to the psych ward – it must’ve taken me 15 minutes to realize and confirm to myself I had finally gone completely crazy. I now knew I was a lunatic, I was convinced I had said too much and had gone too far this time… I couldn’t control myself either, rapid thinking and incoherent talking. I had lost complete control and was not in the drivers seat any longer. In my mind I was relaxed, I was rational. I thought of fight or flight but just submitted though, being at peace inside. My body was fighting within me: anxiety, paranoia, questioning myself, questioning god and asking him why he did this to me, I was angry and hated god with all the fibers inside me, he tricked me and fucked me up, he took things too far this time round. I realized I could step back and not answer the questions I had asked, this was my body and primal self’s fight for understanding not my minds – I was calm and understood my relationship to the universe. My primal instinct had kicked in but it was too scared to fight back, nothing was better for my body and primal self than death – there was no other possible escape from the current situation. It had realized it was trapped and my conscious wasn’t explaining or communicating to my primal self anymore about what it was going through and what was happening, I refused to add intuition to create reason and rational logic which would create an enhanced cognitive perception and understanding of the environment and situation. It seems the one side of my brain had shut itself down right there and then. All my primal self was seeing was injection needles and people in white coats – complete and utter fear of the unknown. I remember pleading just before the injections: “you’re gonna kill me! Please don’t kill me.” and freaking out although it was only my primal self. I had escaped further into the back of my mind, towards the inner voice and light found at the back of my neck. My mood suddenly switched to something a bit more euphoric and care free for a very short lived time frame before feeling paranoid and fear once again. My primal self really thought it was being executed by injection, I can only compared it to the feelings a trapped monkey or rodent would feel before being killed or attacked by a human.
I was required to choose meals for breakfast and dinner from a menu presented to me by the nurse. This was a glimmer of hope and I returned, my brain functioned in full force again to try process an escape plan from this environment. I took my time and scrutinized the irrational and rational data to find out how they are tricking me, into showing which mental disorder I had – that is how illogical a simple logical task had become. My primal self was under so much physical stress, delusions and panic that it could not think or process in any coherent fashion no matter how hard it tried. It kept feeding irrational and irrelevant data to the brain. During that period I learnt that my consciousness bridges the gap between my true self and my primal self; if the primal self gives irrelevant data from the senses, the inner self can only work with that and accepts the information with out question. Eventually I told the nurse I can’t find the trick, and she replied “there are no tricks here”. This put the fear of the christian hell in me and again panic and agitation resurfaced intensely; I had realized there is no escape, not through defying them nor through dying. After my selections I chose two injections opposed to pills. I didn’t want to consciously lie there for however long with my own thoughts. I was already so far down this rabbit hole that nothing was real for me, it was all a dream that felt so real but that I couldn’t wake up from. Time had already stopped and the voices inside were now really driving me insane and it was complete and utter torture being that confused about physical existence. I was lying on my bed I had chosen in the center of the ward. The drugs started to kick in and I could feel them entering and flowing through certain parts of my brain, my thoughts started racing even faster than ever before, shapes and colours became even more evident and unique, relationships to all these energies made more sense than ever, yet my fear and uncomfortability escalated to a new unfelt level. Suddenly parts of my brain rapidly turned off in a random sequence and my emotions and thoughts subsided. I felt pure and absolute bliss. I stopped thinking and stopped caring, I knew I was going home now and everything slowly faded to black. I can’t remember closing my eyes, I just remember having my consciousness and memory disappear. I can only describe it like the transition from lucid dreaming to deep sleep. I remember crying while I was fading out. I was still scared of the unknown deep inside me and that feeling was never disabled by the drugs I was given – terror and fear about if and where I might wake up had been a low level feeling or emotion in my brain. Even in a lunatic state, I couldn’t help but fear that I had fried my brain and that I now have permanent brain damage. Had I lost my consciousness and will I ever be the same again. I was also under the impression even when heavily sedated and in a lucid state, that it was marijuana that did this to me – I was always told marijuana triggers mental disorders. I was angry with myself and scared, I was confused and lost. Those were my last thoughts and feelings I could remember before just seeing feeling, and experiencing black. I don’t know where my consciousness went during that black out period or if it went anywhere at all. I don’t know if my brain was so primal that it stopped recognizing it as a part of me.
I slept for a few days and don’t actually remember being awake at all, or when I woke up. I don’t remember eating or showering. I don’t recall questioning anything or why I was where I was. I was a complete child, I had no memory of anything, only instincts. I only knew and remembered my family through primal and instinctive feelings and emotions I felt towards them – I do recall feelings of waiting around all day for that hour in the evening when they came to visit. I just remember the emotions from before my consciousness came back. It felt much like a pet waiting for its owner to come home. I recall not knowing much about their history and just having random chit chat that made them laugh when they visited. After what i’m guessing was about a week I started feeling more back to reality for a change and my consciousness had come back along with all my memories and proper thought processes. I was very jovial and didn’t have any manic thoughts or feelings of needing to process stuff. I was still feeling weird and what not but the drugs I was on kept my brain activity to such a minimum that I couldn’t present information or recall much from my trip. I could only hang out with people, talk and listen and play snooker – which was very nice as I recall back on now. I couldn’t even line up a flame to light a cigarette which shows how my body was being drugged – just to keep my brain on a low level wave length. I have 20/20 vision but my eye sight became blurred from not having the muscle strength in the eyes to coordinate them properly, If I focused all my energy on that, I wouldn’t process what I’m reading or seeing, I couldn’t multi-task like a stable person. I wore cheap disposable prescription glasses to counter that blurred effect till my eye sight improved again. Every part of my body hurt and was burning inside. My mind was at ease for the first time ever in this extremely long life time.
A few weeks passed before I questioned where I was, and why I was there in the first place. It’s always been in my nature to trust and follow what they call, your heart. I’m an observer by nature and trust anyone very easily if they don’t pose a threat. I was told what I went through and asked for my laptop when I remembered I had one. I started organizing and sifting through all the stuff I had made up, typed out and conceptualized. After my come down and the stabilization of my off the charts dopamine, adjustment of other chemicals and monitoring over some extended period of time, I had become fully aware again. I had noticed a man being strangled in his sleep, and a woman slitting her wrists in the same day. I did not want to be here anymore and requested to be released. It felt like a struggle for me to get my point across that I now feel like i’m being held against my will and I don’t want to be here anymore. Two days(which felt like an eternity) had passed and I was released in the evening after blood tests came back. I went on a long holiday to all sorts of places around the country I had never had the chance to visit and I only saw two of my friends on the odd occasion and I was not allowed to leave the house unaccompanied. I knew I would do nothing wrong, but my family had every right not to trust me. I had been brought down to Earth so hard, and reality snapped into place so vividly, that I never wanted to go back to that place again… Ever… I was embarrassed and needed to run away and hide for a long time. Being able to remember your lunacy is torture because you still feel insane. I have now realized this is a story worth telling.
I was constantly active and around friends. We would go skateboarding and to the beach, make music in the band room, go drinking and clubbing and just have a riot of a time. They were often shocked, in hysterics or angry with my behavior. On the day of my admission I tried waking my friend at about 4:45AM after not having slept for days at that point, only to say: “welcome to the dream world” and then only to point my cheap phone at their face to show them what time it is. To me that was the time I had to wake them up, there was an astral reason that I can explain but would still freak them out. It was hysterical to me at the time, but I honestly felt like reality was a dream, a reality dream. I was amused by mosquitos and seeing the web of life around me for what it is. I heard and saw sound waves and waves that make up everything. I can’t really describe it in words so heres an attempt – light and pigment gives everything its set colour, I saw that process all around me, the convergence, divergence and refraction of light and the transfer of energy in its specific wave length. I had a superimposed layer over my reality perception, I could see what others were not seeing, but knew was there. All this happened and developed in about half an hour as if I had reached an upgrade point and the layers just grew with more types of waves, eventually I saw what I think is pure electricity. The human eye isn’t designed and the brain isn’t programmed to see other wave lengths and the invisible. However with the senses combined under the right amount of stimulation and processing ability unlocks a program in the brain that can calculate and thus manifest these variables and hidden waves in the mind as visual layers thus creating an artificial layer of data inside the mind. This was all funny to me at the time and I freaked people out with some of the stuff I could do and point out, nothing but pure calculated coincidence. Very weird though, very Terminator of me.
an organic cyborg
This was a rabbit hole much like Alice in Wonderland and The Matrix. I don’t know why I carried on after getting evidence of what I needed and wanted in the early stages. Its a realm of smoke and mirrors, the illogical makes more sense than logic because there are no rules, laws or limits. Its the realm where limits and laws are created and introduced to the world through the brain and then primal vessel. I guess I needed to prove It is a game, a real game inside another real game – I got the evidence that it was a game, but I thought it was a precautionary illusion. If I could go back and unsee and unknow everything that I do now, I would gladly do it with pleasure and have no regrets. When I look at a plant now days I don’t see the layers that I did and all that crazy stuff, but I still remember what I learnt and saw about its relationship to its environment, people can’t lie to me face to face anymore. I see your inner beauty and humans are physically ugly and flawed for me – there is no beauty when looking at the human vessel, its just uniquely flawed. I wanna communicate with people. I wanna learn about experiences. I wanna share ideas and I want to collaborate and create something beautiful. We all have an awesome journey and I wanna hear everyones. I have come back to reality a changed man.
This blog is a way for me to get all this out of me and digest it all. I want to carry on with my life and do what I want to do, sharing this is obviously one of my purposes in life but I still have my own goals and aspirations. I want to serve my universal purpose and get on with reality. This was a scarring and traumatic experience to a certain degree when I look back at it, not just socially but mentally as well. I have woken up many days trying to forget what I know, I feel like a lunatic all over again when I just think of an idea or knowledge I acquired. I have worked through my demons and accepted what I have to and cannot change – If something makes sense, and you can’t disprove it, how is it possible to even formulate a logical argument. It was hard for me to start typing this, but as I reached the end and conclusion I felt a weight lifted from inside. It feels good.
I could’ve escaped the rabbit hole many times and had many departure points time and time again however knowledge is a drug, you want it all, its how we as humans are programmed. Otherwise we’d still be poking sticks down ant holes and getting stung by bee’s while trying to steal honey, we would catch fish with our hands and be killed by beasts and predators. We would live in caves and sleep next to our own shit. Primal self.
departure points and the self’s
I could have had my primal self guide me into exploring and finding the rational in the irrational from something obtuse – why is a brick a brick? That was a departure point believe it or not, my primal self would freak out about the stuff I was processing, and then offer me another delusional departure point such as – why is a flower green? Why does a tree have bark? Why do dogs poop on grass? I could’ve gotten into a psych ward sooner for reciting and obsessing over obtuse and irrelevant information. Yet at a certain point I realized I was smarter, faster and could do things better and the information I was accessing hadn’t reached this reality. They were not in research papers or books. I completely ignored that I could have bi-polar 2 or be manic at this point, I had stopped questioning being crazy, I was now on some next level shit. I explored why I was feeling the feelings that I did, why the extreme euphoria? Why the quick thinking? Why the paranoia and why all these feelings are created, from environment to perception and to reason. Very early on at which could actually be consider true mania, although only low level in my case. I had figured out that my body consists of two self’s and a combined self from the two which is my consciousness. Freud speaks of it, I’ll explain it properly.
Primal Self: This is my Earthly vessel and body set in reality, these are my earthly thoughts, very basic cognition and very little understanding or true knowledge of anything apart from the environment. It is how I interact with this world through my perceptions and cognition and start exploring and trying to understand – Super-Ego.
True Self: This is my higher self and the version of myself that resides in the realm above. It is absolute and perfect, it knows everything and anything. It is intuition and instincts and everything else that we can’t fathom at this point in reality – ID.
Knowledgable Self : This is my primal self coupled with my true self and the perception of learnt knowledge through cognition and intuition. When balanced between cognition and intuition it will come across as a humble, wise and knowledgeable person. A deluded knowledgeable self can be offended easily when disagreement arises, this is because the balance leans more towards the primal self and earthly found knowledge and very little or no intuition is added to this mix. I think of both combined as my consciousness or the bridge that creates myself, my illusion of reality – Ego.
The primal self has instincts, but these only apply to their environment and how the environment works. The true self’s instincts deal with people and knowing something is wrong or something bad will happen. The true self is the inner far away voice that can be found at the base of the back of your head in the darkness. My true self is a soft, distant and a warm spoken voice, the tone is similar to my own voice but completely calm, patient and friendly. My primal self is the loud voice in my head, my thinking voice; it sounds exactly like my speaking voice and I reason with it in my head. If and when I want to I can speak to my true self and ask questions, It always replies and sometimes is very sarcastic, but never mean and will tell me to find something out on my own at times. My primal self hated my true self when I was growing up and I seldomly knew who was right between the two; now days I let the voice who’s realm i’m in dictate what is going on. I will never listen to my true self when it comes to deducing a fight or flight response, or figuring out how to catch a fish however I’ll ask my true self if someone is bullshitting me in conversation and its generally right most of the time. I’ve tried coupling the two instincts to work together in this realm, yet my mind can’t get them to work together. They are opposing ideologies, its like equating water to be light, it just won’t work or make any sense here. They serve different purposes and know different things, when combined you lose touch with reality and will eventually become a lunatic.
A few days before I was admitted I had made it to the entry of the source/god. I could not interact because the source resides in a realm up from the one the true self resides in. I would love to tell you God exists, but I myself have no confirmation and can’t confirm or deny anything. Here is why: I only made it to the gate, channel, portal, entry, door, hole, gap, light source which passes through in to the 6th dimension. I was told to tread carefully by the guards/security or whatever was blocking me. They communicated to me that I would seize to exist if I entered . For the first time ever my true self showed a fight or flight response. I don’t know whats in that realm or what can be found there, I’m guessing our consciousness is not ready for that type of enlightenment. We are not physically or emotionally evolved for it. I recall my primal self zoning out and watching Patrick play Playstation when this happened, I have no idea what the time frame was or how long it took to get there, or how I even got there – smoke and mirrors. I can’t describe exactly what I saw. There is no reference on earth to compare it to, attempting to do that in an absolute fashion would really just mess things up, the capacity to imagine it and relive it is there, but I can’t use words or pictures to explain it. Its not reality.
THE JOURNEY BEGINS
I’ve always had mania and depression and learnt to cope with it at an early age, I did not know what it was at the time but I always knew it would pass, and figured when I was depressed that it will pass too. I have attempted to take my life but those failed, looking back on it and the frustration that I felt because of the failure, It must’ve been divine intervention. The absolute misery and loser syndrome I had from failing at taking my own life, is just funny now. I’m thankfully my idiot younger self failed and he agrees.
In early 2009 I already had mania, but nothing major or note worthy happened. Just loads of coincidence and logical leaps, more like connecting dots than being irrational.
At the end of 2009 I was already showing signs of mania, I was already talking rapidly and loudly, having insane ideas and executing them myself. No one thought much of it because that is how I’ve always done things my whole life. I learnt at a very young age that I myself will produce the best desired results I want; other people would just slow me down and add their own influences. I recall leaping off a very very high cliff at the beach on a coastal holiday. My one foot or ankle completely dislocated and separated and the other one seemed to have been compacted. Instinctively I popped the foot back in place, thought nothing of it or what I had done, got up and attempted to run. I collapsed and my vision blacked out, I was still conscious all the way and felt the pain, although it wasn’t as intense as it should’ve been. I crawled around the beach for a while completely confused and calm until my dad found me and gave me a long piggy back ride to the car. I couldn’t stand or put pressure on my feet or my vision would black out again yet I’d stay conscious. I eventually got taken back to the holiday house and refused to go to a hospital or doctor for X-rays. Reiki was performed on my ankles for about an hour and some sprays were applied to cool the stretched and torn muscles and my ankles were bandaged. I was pretty stoked with life lying in front of the TV not having to go on the outings with the rest of the family. I told my dad I’d be able to walk again in two days but he laughed it off and knew that wasn’t possible. Two days later I was walking with out support and my ankles were swollen all over and were massive. I’ve had and have seen very bad ankle sprains from skateboarding, but this was just unseen by me before. The swelling was bigger than my knee joints. I knew how to separate pain in my mind back then so I was feeling pretty good. I don’t know what inspired the jump, I just remember thinking “this is gonna be so cool” and leapt off. I’ve never regretted the decision either weirdly enough.
Moving into the beginning of 2010 no one had questioned that I might be manic. I was just being me – a dangerous, risky and reckless hazard. I went to pitch a film while being completely scatter brained and overly excited about the idea I had come up with. I thought it was amazing and will be the next best thing to hit film. I presented the script I had and a verbal pitch. I was told “you sound manic” during a proposal, and responded with “I know it sounds that way but i’m just excited” and thought nothing of it – just a jab from an old schooler not liking my far fetched and radical ideas. My film was very dialog driven at first much like Pulp Fiction and I pitched a post-apocalyptic style because the concept and genre had always interested me, it can become a reality at any point.
The film was about the only functioning city that remains after world war 3. From what I can recall the city had gigantic walls around it. It was also filled with prostitutes and gangs because of minimal government authority. Lots of neon lights and decay was to be CGI’d into the film along with the wall. The protagonist and antagonist are brothers: the one works for the self proclaimed government and the other is a self proclaimed martyr for the earth. There is the regular introduction storyline exploring the protagonist, then exploring his environment, followed by the introduction of the antagonist and eventually the motivation/cause for the protagonists actions in the film. The protagonist wonders into the wastelands one night when drunk and finds an undetonated hydrogen bomb from the past war. He smuggles it into an abandon cabin in a forrest and rebuilds it. The protagonist requests that the antagonist fetch him from the forrest when going on patrol again. The antagonist fetches the protagonist and a heart warming conversation in the car ride back to the city is had, it leads the viewer into assuming the protagonist and antagonist have switched roles, creating a confusing emotion away from the original motivation. The protagonist is anti-establishment and anti-governance and the antagonist is pro-governance and control. The protagonist unloads the hydrogen bomb and leaves it in the government headquarters car park. The protagonist says he will meet the antagonist at a bar once he is finished with his business. The protagonist arms the bomb and goes to the bar and gets drunk with his brother, the camera becomes a point of view angle, it is shaky and blurred and eventually fades to black. A banging sound is heard along with eyes opening rapidly, the protagonist wakes up in shock and surprise and seems confused about how they got into the clean and perfect american dream styled bedroom. The protagonist hears a softer bang and he looks at the window shutter banging away. He gets up and looks out the window for a long while, the credits role.
Its weird when I look back at that script. Its almost as if I had plotted the journey I would be walking in a few months time with out even knowing. If I replaced a few variables with other ones I could make it map out my trip. I don’t know what the point of the film really is. I could never explain whether the bomb went off or whether it was all a dream, I couldn’t decide which it would be. I could only really say that its more about their dialog and actions towards each other than a story line, which is pretty much the opposite of what a film should be in anyway. I never ended up making this film and I don’t think I would want to either. As cool as it sounded at the time, its actually very pointless and unoriginal. I see the antagonist as my primal self and the protagonist as my true self.
picking up speed
After the failure of that production meeting, I decided to switched over to making documentaries again. I felt like I didn’t understand drama and all its components anymore opposed to how well I could break down and analyze something that would formulate the content of a documentary. I had come into a very very large sum of money at that time and was buying all sorts of stuff. I finally ended up buying my dream electric guitar. I had also bought the Rockband kit for Wii with drums, microphone and guitar. This was endlessly fun and with all the money and new toys keeping me distracted, I didn’t really notice I had moved through the threshold in to proper mania. I was buying expensive alcohol and too much potent marijuana – fortunately I have never taken any synthetic drugs such as MDMA, Cocaine or Heroine to name a few, I’ve only used what I mention. After having played far too much Guitar Hero and Rockband I managed to figure out the relationship of chord shapes and how to make up new ones, I stopped analyzing Guitar Hero and now analyzed my own guitar, I learnt the scales and tried to figure out what sets them apart and what makes them similar and built on all the stuff I had learnt prior to that. I had memorized the note pattern on the fret board and combined with this new knowledge, I started to really understand octaves, tones, melody, harmony, rhythm and sound waves like never before – I had a superficial understanding before. I was adamant that the band has to practice and we need to start gigging – I was making up some pretty good song structures on the guitar that just needed to be adjusted here and there and some better bridges between sections. We all needed to practice our breakdowns properly and getting tight. At this time there was a sense of purpose.
I used to hang out at Trevor’s house quite a lot, it had everything that we could ever need and want to do. We had recently relocated the old band room to a shed at his house that was called the sugar shack. We would often hang out there, drink and have barbecues before we would go out to paint the town red. During this time I had already become controversial, I was offending many people just from my opinion and perspective – few people had the knowledge of what I was talking about in anyway. I was living fast and hard and no one could ever stop me. My anthem had become “Bite it you scum” by the Punk band GG Allin and the Murder Junkies. I had watched Hated, a documentary about GG and I was obsessed with this guy. I thought he was a god amongst men, I felt I could relate with him on all levels and what he spoke of. He had become a major influence.
After noticing that there was no motivation for the band to practice(all of us being potheads after all) I decided to start recording on my own with all the instruments available to me. At that time I wasn’t much of a technical drummer, so I would hook up Rockband’s Drum kit to my laptop through bluetooth, and asked Patrick, Trevor or whoever could drum, to listen to the track and then when ready, hit record and start drumming. No one could really give me the drum beat I wanted and I managed to offend them inadvertently and eventually they got frustrated with drumming on my tracks and being rejected after every take. The band was dead now and I was on my own from then on. I had rambled a lot more about illogical things, theorizing irrelevant nonsensical topics and just being a complete lunatic, I could’ve been institutionalized right there and then if a professional saw me, they would have known and seen my brain stopped functioning as normal yet I was still pretty functional and not detached from reality one bit. My brain was just working faster than usual and I didn’t specifically know what I wanted to achieve with anything. I wasn’t easily satisfied with anything either. Confused.
DMT and a near death experience
After having a heart to heart with Trevor about the direction of my music, I had begged him to lay down one track for me. I didn’t care if it was steady and I would create loops of the recorded beat and everything else. He was excited about this and we went to go fetch the drum kit and buy some cigarettes. It was about 8 or 9 in the evening and we had caught a snake in the band room just before we went out. I’ve always been told not to believe in omens or have superstitions; but that was an omen. As we had returned and walked down a long flight of stairs from the garage to the main house, we then entered the house while engaged in jovial conversation. As the door was being closed the barrel of a pistol blocked it and a gentleman stepped in to the house waving his gun in our faces, Trevor, his dad and myself initially thought its one of his older sisters friends playing a prank on us and were about to burst through the doors laughing at any moment. We honestly did not know what to think until his heavy set accomplice stepped in through the door, grabbed a hat from stand and put it on and waved his gun around ordering instructions for valuables, safes, wallets and car keys. The one guy was extremely calm and the guy taking orders was extremely aggressive and very rough. This all happened in the first two minutes of entering the house. The reality of what was happening to me had set in. I was already processing things in my brain faster than a normal person would, fear and the fear of death stuck me and I went into complete shock and my body was overwhelmed with emotions, my brain had frozen and I only felt the most intense fear I had ever felt at that point in my life, death was a looped thought. My brain then switched off after a few seconds of torture and I could only look around and I was in a state of absolute bliss, I just smiled and when they took my box of cigarettes I would usually feel rage, but I felt nothing. I was calm cool and calculated and not attached to my physical body anymore. Recalling how Trevor was handling the situation and how terrified he was, I knew something had happened in my brain, I wasn’t aware of it at the time though. About 15 – 20 minutes had passed since the DMT rush set in. I then got a fright that brought me back to reality – it was the thought of having my drum kit stolen that was still in the car. That was all I was worried about. The armed robbers ended up taking two cars and valuables. When the ordeal was over Trevor and I were chatting till late that morning about how we had taken it as a positive life changing experience, we felt that we had been spared and we needed to live our lives to the maximum and do everything we can as best as we possibly could. Think global act local is what he kept saying to me.
I actually don’t know in extreme detail what the chemical processes and responses of natural DMT is when in the brain. I do however know that your pineal gland secretes melatonin which causes you to become drowsy, and once in a relaxed state DMT is secreted from the pineal and you enter the dream world. I know that babies get a rush of DMT when they are born naturally and that you get a massive rush of DMT just before you die. Whether you die or not it still happens if the primal self is convinced it will be dying. I understand that it is a mechanism to ease extreme trauma, pain and discomfort.
low level mania
My mania, logical leaps and incoherent thoughts had subsided completely, I was still think at a rather fast pace but I was now able to pay attention to details and make sense of everything, although only for a short while. Trevor and I gradually grew apart over time from that whole robbery experience and me being weird. I still don’t know if he was truely traumatized and saw a counsellor; all I know is that I was feeling great. I had just considered it another lucky break and experience at first, much like when I was hijacked at the age of 21 and how I just took my car key and ran away from the hijackers. I really got into my music at this point of my life. I eventually started questioning the true meaning of life. This is where my journey truely started, I could not understand the concept of a job or why we have so much entertainment when we could just live naturally off the land. Why must I be a citizen of a sovereign country. I’ve always loved technology but at that point I thought it was holding us back as a human race, the devices weren’t working as intended anymore. A device created by a man almost took my life. We burn fossil fuels when we can be developing stable nuclear fusion. I needed to know why.
I had gone to visit my dad for three weeks who happens to live in another part of the country. I don’t think he quite understood what had happened to me let alone that I was already manic and no one could visibly see it, he only knew something was odd. One night I had drunk a bottle of whisky in something like 2 hours, ranted and raved about some shit about how to live your life properly and then passed out. I woke up in a bed filled with vomit and followed my vomit trail around the house. Doing what I always do when I have a nasty hangover – I smoked some weed. I started smoking weed every day and for what must have been a week or more I ironed out the details of the WAND, from drawing it, mapping out parts and detailed hardware functions and conceptualizing it to programming a rough idea of how the database and device should and will work. I also had a business model and how the device will be implemented in society and how the device will never be stolen because of its abundance and multiple user ability. I had covered all the bases, gaps and inconsistencies of current technology. I was under the impression I had to sell the concept off to the Chinese and oversee its development and construction to make sure it materializes. I also started looking for the equation to divide a triangle in to a square, the fact that it didn’t exist and there was no software to achieve this intrigued me and this is the start of my journey into the unknown, the locating and entering of the rabbit hole. I just thought why had no one algebraically solved that, and if they did why don’t I know about it. The internet which was once a resource had dried up.
I was very active during this time, spending a lot of what little money I had left on buying hobos bread and bringing bottles of fresh water for them each day. I played a lot of technical music by ear and managed to figure out a few classical pieces that I had heard. I had found WolframAlpha.com, which is a knowledge computational engine. It helped me with figuring out and understanding what we have termed as what, and which equations work with which and why they are that way. After a lot of messing around with it I abandoned it realizing its limited application for what I want to do, and instead figured out my triangle square equation on my own. It still had a few inconsistencies in the theorem, but that was something like y = y and not y = 2x. The axiom and proof was solid as gold and anyone that went to school with me can verify I sucked at algebra. I was that guy making toasted sandwiches and coffee in the back of the class, locking myself in the filing cabinet and bursting out half way through a lesson. I could honestly care less for algebra. During this period I didn’t obsess as much as I did later on in the super highs.
The cops had found Trevor’s dads car, very coincidentally in the same town I was visiting in. Trevor asked me if I want a ride back home with him and I was too grateful for that. My dad and I had been at loggerheads, fighting and arguing, him telling me what i’m doing is impossible, and me trying to explain to him why it is possible. We fought with each other about what I was doing and why I was doing it in the first place, I knew I couldn’t tell him what I’m actually doing, because he wouldn’t understand and I didn’t truely understand either. I would have been off to psych ward for using myself as a human lab rat. Instead we agreed to disagree and concluded that If he can’t understand a triangle dividing into a square, then no one can help him understand that. I showed him drawings of two equal triangles joining and forming a square. It was a hopeless attempt on my part, not even getting started on the WAND or any of my music. I felt and was very misunderstood during this period of time, but it prepared me for future scrutiny.
mid level mania
The car ride home was cool and quick, although taking up the entire day. Trevor hadn’t slept for two days or something like that from being too busy and also having to be up early for the flight to get the car. I showed Trevor my logical essay about theology. I remember his dad commenting that it makes a lot of sense and its closing the divide, he mentioned I should carry on with it. This inspired me and gave me renewed hope. After that we played acoustic guitar in the parking lot with my new steel pick while waiting for the car. After lots of chit chat in the car ride and getting to know Trevor’s dad and his youth really well, we arrived home. Trevor and I went out to our local weekly event and we both drank quite a lot, my friends Patrick and Roger were there as well and they would end up baring the brunt of my mania and delusions in the weeks to come. They were the only friends that bothered to visit me in psych ward – it eased the guilt I felt towards them. I don’t blame my other friends for not visiting, because i’m pretty sure they didn’t even know I had been institutionalized when it happened. While at the Jazz Club, Trevor who hadn’t slept and was intoxicated was in primal mode and was just having a massively good time, I myself was having a good time. Eventually we got into a fight because of me helping Allan derig his guitar and amp. It was a massive misunderstanding. Allan was done playing his set but Trevor wanted to hear more because he is Allan’s biggest fan and never hears him playing live, let alone see’s him. Not being able to reason with Trevor although trying, we eventually got in to a fight. We pushed and shoved and I left before it got physical with punches. I found Patrick and Roger and told them i’m leaving, they can stay and I’ll find my own way home if they aren’t coming with me – manipulation unfortunately. Fortunately for me I only had to wait a short while before Patrick and Roger came so we could leave, weirdly there was three of us, but Roger was sitting in the back seat with me and no one was in the passenger seat. This was the first time I had noticed multiple personalities service in my mind. Roger got angry with me because they had to leave, and I tried my best to explain that I couldn’t remain there. We were trying to talk above each other and force our opinion across to the other which eventually led to a brief shouting match and was very verbally aggressive. The sad thing that I realize now, Is that i’ve never in my whole life seen Roger that angry and aggressive. Patrick is humble, peaceful and a lover and diffused the situation. Not to discredit Roger, he is the same too. We ended up going back to Patricks’s cabin in a semi-forrest. We just chilled out, chatted and had more of a good time. The early hours of the morning Allan, Michael and other friends had brought Trevor back to the cabin, he was paralytic and was not conscious on any level. They mentioned that he requested to come here before passing out. Even though I was supposed to feel anger towards him from earlier, the feelings had gone away. He slept on the couch and we carried on socializing and playing Playstation till the sun came up.
From that day on I had noticed that my emotions had started to become separate personalities and entities within my brain, I could not feel more than one emotion at a time and could switch between them at will at some stage. When I was angry, sad or happy that emotion would become my whole personality, I would see, feel and interpret everything with that emotion. If I was angry and someone wanted to give me a gift I would reject them as a human, I would fight with them and accuse them of bribery or other nonsense. Similar situations happened with all the other emotions. I never felt love as a personality though, that is a feeling that doesn’t manifest from your primal self. As time passed in to the even higher levels of mania, those emotions started appearing as personified voices in my head. Only having been used to two voices in my mind, this actually intrigued me and I did not mind the good side of the emotions presenting themselves as voices. However the bad side was shit – they told me how I should feel and respond to certain things, they were instructing my brain how to instruct my body to react. I did not have to question the emotion any longer or the feeling, I would hear a voice that would say “hit him”,”forgive him” or “insult him” – it was very chaotic and I managed to control it to a certain level but not for very long, they also disappeared for long periods and would come back. Fortunately I never acted out on the emotions cause I’d get strange requests that the emotions wanted me to fulfill, I’d wake up at night and be compelled to break something in the kitchen and questioned why. I managed to force them away at a point and lived completely absent from them. They were there but I stopped acknowledging their presence and effect on me, I would sometimes argue with them as well. This is when full blown schizophrenia had developed in my mind.
It was fun at first, I got to know a lot about myself, my environment and the communes that I lived in. A lot of people loved conversing with me and others straight up hated me and I remember some fist fights happening too. I had some form of control over what was happening to me for a week or two before all hell broke loose. When It comes to an experience, a lot of people only remember bits and pieces or nothing at all. I however, since a child have remembered everything, even when inebriated or intoxicated. Once my brain switches off and stops working I stop remembering till my brain comes back online again. Recalling memories is easy, just hit a trigger or action or both. I mainly theorized and explained religion and god during this short lived mid level mania period. I ended up explaining Christianity to a devoted Christian rapper during this time. He was smoking heroin joints everyday while his wife was at work and two kids were at school. He completely grasped new concepts he did not see at first and also managed to “fall more in love” with the gospels he proclaimed so devotedly. Patrick told me that Christianity is his special place. That conversation formed a very good perception of how people view beliefs and belief systems. On that day during a pivotal point of the discussion, when the rapper stopped opposing and finally understood, sunlight appeared to light up the cabins porch in the forrest. I never really believed in coincidence, but in my mid level manic state I took that as a sign. I can’t remember how I interpreted it as a sign. I believe in coincidence now, its a trigger for thought and action, decisions and feel good emotions.
memories, thought and creativity
While moving into high level mania I had analyzed many mundane things and how they operate, and I also managed to analyze how my memory works. I remember the body of the event and the important parts and then the important details; these are all to do with actions, triggers, happenings and spoken word along with location and colour-ways. I’ve never ever been able to remember numbers or words i’ve seen or read, my brain won’t retain information unless I can learn the method and application behind it, or if its from music or the TV – the rhythm and visuals just give me access points and departure points. I can pretty much build anything given the tools, I could invent anything by finding the gap in the market, I could redefine many things because of learning the mechanics of small mundane tasks and rationally planned information and methods. I learn from seeing how things happen and why they happen, reading doesn’t give me that understanding of a functionality. I find that many processes are built on a hierarchy, order of events, chart and “if that” combinations. Every system has a predefined structure. Nothing is random even if it appears that way. This discovery of unlocking memories had made it possible for me to find the rational in the irrational in other similar things, it made it way quicker for me to break down something complicated and then strip it down to the skeleton or core functions. This led to me getting real up set with myself and how I was designed. This was a very cool tool and discovery I had made, but as I analyzed more I discovered and realized I have absolutely no visual creativity.
I figured out I can not think a thought, I can not pull an idea out of no where. I have no visual creativity, I have no imagination. I have creativity and creative thinking and it works in the following way – I can manipulate a digital creation device like no other, I am very mediocre with a brush or pen and can add almost no uniqueness to an image having been rendered in analog. I have learnt the basics of aesthetics, method and style applied to digital mediums and analog mediums. I have mixed them up many a time creating many unique digital pieces although conforming completely with what should be done, just another good copy, unique clone. Through analyzing and understanding while manic I discovered the mechanics and formula behind an action and result. I can now uniquely mimic a concept or piece of art, to be considered good or up to industry standard, by adding my own approach and understanding. My brain thinks creatively, but I can’t sit in a room and think up an idea on the spot to do something or make something. I can’t force creativity, I must trigger it or an inspiration. I need to integrate my understanding of a creation tool, along with the reference of inspiration, and purpose. This results in a unique take of a genre, although only a copy. After understanding how creativity works and that its inspiration, knowledge, uniqueness and applied application, I really got into exploring the inner workings of my mind. I started enjoying the accelerated thought and creative flow for a change. I’ve never used cocaine but I can imagine it feels similar if not better than that. I tried many times to think a thought or think up something uniquely creative, but eventually found the trick is a trigger leads to decisions which can lead to actions and more triggers. I barely grasped it at first because It is more complicated than I make it out to sound. There are many triggers with in one trigger and a lot of variables.
high level mania
I had now started separating from the physical reality and started delving further into my mind and the realm beyond reality. I have very few physical memories of this time but an abundance of ideas and discoveries I had made – my memories of this time relate more to another world not rendered in 3D. My memory recall of my vision is of a blurred photograph, I remember what was done but can’t revisit it, there is no video and sound like i’m used to. I made a constant effort to stay away from home when I could during this time. I would stay in my room as long as possible when I was there, trying never to leave or interact with anyone that was home. When conversing with someone I would inevitable become incoherent when asked to think and process something – What would you like to eat? What did you do today? Does this make sense to you? Of course I was processing that inside my brain, I just had no ability to physically respond coherently and did not have the urge to reconnect with my primal self to convey the message coherently. I had managed to disassociate with my primal self and let it control the environment through instinct and habits. That didn’t always turn out very well. I went to the skatepark with a few of my friends and my camera one day, I started seeing Newtons Laws in action for the first time in my life. I knew what they were and how they operated but never before had I discovered them by myself first hand like this, it sounds silly but I was seeing the forces counter act each other, I was seeing gravity for the first time. It wasn’t perceived the same way as in reality, there was added details and functions never mentioned or explained in science. Grinding of rails, defying gravity for brief moments, I had always skateboarded and never bothered paying attention to it. I was now seeing reality for what It truely was, I was walking in this realm and the realm above at the same time. I was talking incoherently with tons of logical leaps in the car ride home and my friends knew something was wrong and I had gone crazy, but they just laughed at me and thought I was just being me. I recall filming all sorts of angles in the car and described the cars cockpit in the same fashion as how the mind operates in regard to point of view, influence and reflection – I was planning on editing a video to illustrate this. I got home and was intrigued about why I had rediscovered Newtons Laws when I always knew about them and lived according to them. I figured I can’t think thoughts out of no where, I need to trigger them, such as looking at a star triggers the action of reading about it, the comparison of a star and sun and some reasoning leads to realizing its a possible far away sun. Being asked to complete a task by someone or a device leads to the same process of events. This all leads to me accepting or declining a required action. It sounds strange and as if I have no free will or free thought, I do. I just choose whether I want to accept or decline the trigger given, which leads to free will and free thought, simple as that. I never found out what it was that I had noticed about Newtons Law that was so special, It could just be that I noticed it for the first time and paid attention to it.
the thought process
A trigger will create a thought request. When this occurs you either accept it, decline it or save it for a later time. If you accept the trigger it leads to more triggers, options with more triggers and results. Triggers become complicated when multiple stimuli(senses) are introduced, this just leads to multiple triggers and options that need to be processed at a single moment, which people interpret as bad decisions – but you can’t compensate for every trigger and possible result. Its overly simplified but thats how the primal thought process works, the true self adds intuition and the ability to reason through what we feel as our consciousness. Destiny does apply to every human but it is integrated with free will. We all have something to achieve and learn in our life time and once we achieve the goal or reach the end point, we move on up in the realms because we are ready and prepared. Destiny is mapped out before we are even brought into this realm, its a web with every possible trigger and result predetermined which all ends up leading to your destination point, how you go about getting there involves your free will and free thought. I started moving deeper into the back of my mind, having turned my consciousness 180 degrees and was now completely looking into myself and had complete uninterrupted access to the 5th dimension. Our minds are the 4th dimension: Our perception of time passing and something happening. I started questioning things that had always bothered me about myself, one was that I would always practice a lot at sports but would never get better or be any good. The answer I found was that I never applied myself and only gave the minimal amount of effort and dedication needed to achieve the result. I was told I fooled myself into thinking I was doing my best, because I was actually being lazy and did not want to put in the work or effort to get better. I was told I am physically lazy and will never excel at sports until my mind set is right.
I thought about it a bit and processed what I had found. I realized that practice makes you good when it comes to physical stuff and if you are diligent, determined and have set goals. I played a lot of sport as a kid and understood the game pretty well but I was sloppy, lazy and uncoordinated – I had now realized that. I was drawn to alternative sports in my teens because I felt that it had no real purpose except the creativity and style, thrill or rush and to feel good. When it comes to digital application of tools, I don’t think you need practice, not practice in the sense of repeating the same process over. I’d say that knowing and understanding how the tool operates would constitute as the basics, then messing around, hacking, tweaking or exploring would lead to a better understanding of the tool which leads to more functionality and results in experience.
Others will argue, and say you must redo it 100 times and only then will you get better. If redoing something is used to find the method or functionality of what you want to achieve, it would be a very drawn out and a long, useless process. You would only be making minor adjustments from the original, or start over with a new concept. You won’t change much from the original design, you’ll just be adding or removing from it. Unless you completely revamp the style; this is all tweaking. If you know the functionality of something, you could only improve and refine your own method, which comes with time and doesn’t happen through redrawing the same picture. It happens through experience in the whole field, drawing different and new things and learning more in the process. A quote from an artist might explain what I had observed about thought and creativity.
“Good arts copy, Great artists steal” – Pablo Picasso.
At this point I was sky high and to an outsider I had completely lost touch with reality. My primal self could still function and every now and then I would reconnect with it to either get money from the ATM and to organize more marijuana. Occasionally I would receive desperate pleas to refuel through food and liquid and would have to come back to reality for brief moments; the primal self was suffering from extreme stress that the marijuana wasn’t curbing as well as it used to anymore. I could only sleep for about 2 hours at a time and smoked as much weed as I could in one go to achieve a mild sedation. I have no recollection of being at home or any day time during this period. I only remember car trips and city lights. My primal self would often communicate what it was processing during this time, although it had no idea what was going on because of the lack of knowledge and intuition I would have to feed to it. It truely appear as if I had lost it. I recall sitting in the cabin being completely drained with no energy and no motivation to do anything. Eventually my consciousness turned 180 degrees again and I started delving further with in myself. I was on a trip I had never felt before, my eyes were open watching TV and Patrick playing a video game; but I was above everything, I could see myself and my friend from the ceiling, I was having my first ever out of body experience and wanted to know where it would go. I steadily rose higher and could see the cabin and then the city. Eventually and rapidly I had moved at an astonishing and light speed pace, I was mentally disorientated and was completely disconnected from my primal self. I was surrounded by darkness and little dots of light in the distance and I steadily moved towards a large bright blinding light in the far away distance. Shapes, symbols and objects I had never seen before were passing by me at a rapid pace. It felt like I had entered a central hub where electricity is converging and diverging. I was freaked out by this, I could not comprehend what was going on, I felt trapped inside a computer and did not know that reality existed anymore. I decided its time to end the journey right there and then, I tried to turn around and shouted for my primal self to wake up, sense me and reconnect. Nothing happened and nothing helped. I was being sucked towards this light at an even faster pace than before. I eventually stopped with a halt in front of a huge ball of white light, I was feeling all the possible negative emotions all at once – If my body had to go through that It would have crapped and pissed itself and probably have had a stroke, heart attack or died from shock. It felt to me like this was the end of my life time and my death was now imminent. I wish I could explain all of this in better detail, but there were so many variables I don’t know how to describe. I knew I was fucked. I had entered limbo and was stuck for good now. This was worse than any death imaginable.
I would call them guards, that were outside the blinding light, they did not communicate with me and seemed to be a advanced and superior type of security being. I asked if I can move through and that I want to desperately go home and I don’t know where I am. They only warned me that no living being will ever pass through the passage of light and come back the same way. I was slightly confused yet understood exactly what they meant. Either I pass through and get reincarnated in a new vessel and my existing vessel will be primal till it dies – It would have the functionality of an animal and I would appear to be brain damaged. Or I can pass through and be trapped even further in the unknown realities till my original vessel dies. It was already a labyrinth to me, I was already being confused by the illogical structure of the 5th dimension, there was no way I could begin to find my way around and function in the 6th dimension if I moved through. As much as knowledge had tempted me and took me to all these places I had ever questioned. I had felt my true self displaying feelings of fight or flight; flight was the only response present. I waited around for an eternity trying to make a decision and staying in one place, processing nothing and just being confused. I couldn’t decide whether to move through the light or go back to my vessel. It was my decision to make yet I felt like I couldn’t make a decision, once I realized I am not in control, my consciousness is just an in-between for my two vessels to communicate I was brought back into my body the same way I had left, but the speed was exceptionally fast, not even 5 seconds later I was back in reality. I had reconnected with my primal self and my inner self, my body was battered and I had no idea after these revelations that I was manic and a lunatic. I just thought that was one amazing trip and that was some good weed. I didn’t bother telling anyone, I didn’t need to share that with any human at that stage. I willingly slept for a short while.
In the last few days I was smoking lots of weed, had bought lots of energy drinks and was surviving and barely functioning off that. I could not digest food nor could I sleep. There was an empty cabin up from Patricks, and I remember taking my wireless internet and laptop in there and set that up as my new home base. Patrick and Roger were under the firm impression I was losing or had lost my mind, but they hadn’t seen me sober in a long time so they didn’t bother to question anything and probably thought it was the weed. I had reached psychosis, multiple personalities and schizophrenia in the mid level mania period and it had escalated way beyond what anything should ever reach. If I had a rational thought in my mind, it should’ve been that I am now completely and utterly fucked and it would seem that way to any professional as well. My brain should be fried at this point, how I could actually still operate and remember this is beyond me.
I now only had questions left about my own reality. I attempted to find out what the equations for light and other frequencies are as to combine them and be able to one day render a true physical hologram with the right technology. I had stopped thinking about anything except finding this information, it was my only goal I had left in life. I tried to understand what possible relationship a steradian and radian had in relationship to a sine wave, I found all the information about naturally occurring sine waves whether distorted or pure, I looked at the double helix in DNA and brought Hertz and Electricity in to the equation with various other bits and pieces of universal laws. I had finally done it over about three days. I had figured out the universal binary code for the universe, the code that makes something simple complex. This equation was simplified in to sections or parts that formulate the equation. It was so vastly complicated and I could not find any practical application for it in the real world in my current state. I messed around with it for a while and then got bored with it, I got bored of asking questions and I remember that it was 4AM at that time. I had left the cabin and their was extremely bright moon light, one of the dogs ran up to me and I started communicating with it without words, some how I was able to suggest things to it and it would do what I was suggesting most of the time. During this time I was wondering around in the forrest at the bottom of my friends cabin and an artificial layer in my brain kicked in, I felt like I had evolved. I understood everything and could see things that were never there, at first I thought my eyes were tricking me and I blinked many times and looked away and back hoping for a change in what I was seeing, the energy and frequency flow I had seen was real, I had done something to my brain and was very proud and scared of myself at that moment. I was rushing extremely hard and was what you could consider back to normal compared to where I had gone yet still a complete lunatic. I went to wake up Patrick and Roger who were sleeping in the other cabin. Roger looked at me confused and mumbled something to me while I was unable to wake Patrick. I wanted so badly for them to come out of the dream world. I was under the impression that I had managed to manifest myself in the 5th dimension and they were sleeping in this dimension. I thought that the sleeping them, was actually their true selfs orchestrating their primal selfs in the realm below. I had to wake them to pull them out of the 3rd and 4th dimensions. I had become so deluded and had gone to so many different realms and had over worked my brain so hard that the lines of what was real and unreal had blurred. I was mentally disorientated at this point but I was so far along that I couldn’t even notice. I had evolved in my mind.
I gave up trying to wake them after about 10 minutes and logged on to Facebook for the first time in weeks, no one was online to chat with me except two girls from Thailand. They couldn’t really speak english and I recall looking at their profile page and being able to read whatever language they were speaking in. I’m not good at learning new languages, but this amazed me – I sent them messages in my made up version of their language and they replied telling me my grammar and spelling is wrong. They had no idea I had never attempted to speak let alone write their language. I chatted up until about 8 or 9 in the morning in my made up language which evolved itself in to something structured and coherent. My mom phoned me and asked me why I hadn’t bought milk, I said fuck I forgot! She came to fetch me along with my sister who had just arrived by plane for a visit. This was my first time home which felt like I had last been there years ago. I plugged in my Guitar Hero and started playing while rambling on, I actually noticed how I was forced to step down to easier levels, but was still fucking up, that was the first time since the start of the trip I questioned that there might be something wrong with me.
the end is near
My sister asked me all sorts of questions about when I last slept, ate and bathed accompanied by other questions which demonstrated my lunacy and delusions of grandeur. I was telling them about my experiences of how the brain functions and what reality is, but it was so rushed and incoherent that they probably had no doubt I was manic. My sister told me to go lie down and sleep while her and my mom went out to go buy something quick. I got paranoid for a second thinking they were plotting something against me, but I forgot about it as soon as it popped in to my head. While I was lying in my bed I was questioning my true self about why I can’t sleep, it never responded. I started freaking out inside and started crying and was completely confused and completely terrified for the second time during the trip. I knew I couldn’t fake anything, I knew I couldn’t get out of this one, and was under the impression they wanted me dead, fortunately for me I didn’t dwell to long on those thoughts after I opened my eyes. My sister and mom had come back and I told my sister I only needed seven minutes of sleep trying my luck with her. I told her about the eight core processor brain of mine, I tried to demonstrate that i’m normal and know whats going on, mean while that type of statement is not normal compared with all my other symptoms I was displaying.
Cunningly she convinced me that I need to explain all of this to the neuro surgery department at the hospital. I was tricked into believing my delusions can help science. I was ready to go and couldn’t wait to get there, I had lots to tell these uninformed guys. While we were waiting at the hospital reception I constantly asked whats going on and was fed some story to stall me. I went outside for a cigarette and was mesmerized by the bright light and fascination around me. I considered at that point to run away, I had clicked I was being admitted, but didn’t have any where to go and didn’t want to be a hobo. I recall my mother coming to look for me, and we had a conversation about a spiral staircase and how beautiful the architecture is, I tried to explain that it has optimal energy flow and almost no stresses, it is a streamlined and of a sound construction that works well in its environment. Sadly I didn’t get those exact words out, I actually didn’t get those words out at all or anything that sounds vaguely similar either. It was evident that it was hard for me to describe what I was perceiving. I felt trapped in my body in a world full of strangers who were unenlightened beings. I felt like I was being deceived.
I was asked to sit in an examination room and a doctor did a physical check up. As far as I recall I could do every physical task he asked, I was however non compos mentis. I was telling him about how my logical leaps are created from the short circuits between the hemispheres in my brain. He told me i’m bi-polar. Every time I tried to explain more that I know whats wrong with me he kept saying i’m bi-polar. I think I had my laptop with me at that time, I have a feeling it was but someone would have to verify that. This argument made me realize how annoying I had been over the past couple of months. I never knew there was mental invasion of privacy, but it felt obvious that I was guilty of that. I felt like shit at that point and lost all my self-esteem I had left. I was asked to get in a wheelchair and sat in it waiting to go where ever. I was wheeled out of the hospital, through the parking lot and across the road down to the psych ward. My initial thoughts were – “this place seems cool“; everyone was off to me and I felt like I was now the enemy, no matter how friendly I was trying to be. I understand that I was the enemy when I look back on it all. The next thing I knew I was upstairs walking in to a ward. Shit had hit the fan and I realized that. I was scared and fearful on all levels, I was confused. I wanted out. I wasn’t sure if I wanted out, I wasn’t sure what I wanted. I was filled with confusion and complete fear. I separated from my primal self many times during this ward time period. It was presenting feelings of hate and suggestions of hurting the people around me. I’m not a fighter. I don’t want to imagine what would have happened if I had tried to fight them.
This is my story. This is my journey. I’ve never believed in miracles, yet I have to say it is a miracle that I went where I did, learnt what I did, experienced what I did and am still able to tell the complete and entire story. I would say this is a short version, there is just too much information and details I couldn’t add or this would be a novel. There were times in my final days that I was linking laptops via Firewire cable, attempting to give power to their circuits. I shone a USB powered LED light into my built in webcam to try create a self sustaining energy loop. I was linking up all sorts of USB devices and trying to get the circuits to store power. At this point I only had ideas and no clue how to execute them. I was so disassociated with my primal self and had worn out my brain so badly that it wasn’t actually possible to process further than basic cognition. Anything happening on a computer was second nature to me, I wasn’t confused when I was using it.
How I can remember ever detail and can describe what I felt and learnt is scary. Its made me wonder about why I went on this trip in the first place, it made me wonder many nights and days what I should do with this knowledge few have and know of. I should have permanent brain damage. I should have some form of impairment and post traumatic stress, but I don’t. I used to feel guilty about what I put my friends and family through, but I have made amends to them by trying to be the best friend and son I can be. A lot of people who interacted with me are still distant, and I can’t blame them. My physical demeanor and mental domination on topics would scare people, I would literally scare and freak people out who did not grow up with me or see me frequently. I entertained a hell of a lot of people and made some great laughs happen. You gotta take the sweet with the sour, The good with the bad. Its completely epic in my opinion.
My recovery was horrible at first. I was on 7 tablets when I was released, they would subdue me to the point where I could only lie on the couch and watch TV and could not physically move or think. Some nights the drugs would sedate me, but I would be having lucid dreams and be unable to adjust my body and would only feel physical pain. As that wore off I would be in deep sleep and then I would wake up from the urge of having to move my legs. I found this very frustrating and would run around the house in the early hours of the morning and it would give me 2 – 3 hours sleep before it happened again. My true self and inner voice only reappeared about 2 months after my release at random times and disappear again. I was happy with its permanent return about 6 months later. It made me feel things were worth it for a change. After this I had tried to play my guitar and video games, but lost interested in the first few minutes. I had nothing incommon with my friends anymore who mostly skated, drank, smoked weed and went out a lot. I felt lonely and sorry for myself during these periods. I stuck it through and made an effort to reconnect with my friends. It was great and they helped me to find myself again, they reminded me of who I was and what I stand for. About a year after my recovery I had a solid job and I was working in a creative field, my bosses loved my extensive knowledge, practical application and results I produced. They trusted me enough to direct, produce, film and edit an adventure show for broadcast. It was very well received among the other projects I had worked on. Working constantly and producing great results on the regular brought my motivation and purpose back. I stopped having loser syndrome and the old me was back. I had improved exponentially and felt like I had become a better person. I have new flaws that I need to work on which can actually be worked on and corrected, and i’m over the moon my old flaws that I had no ability to control, improve on or change are gone for good. Its been a testing and rough 3 years.
I can’t describe to someone what mania is and how hard it is to live with yourself. Especially when you don’t know whats wrong with yourself and can’t rationally explain the things you do. My whole life i’ve lived hand to mouth, I stopped relying on money at a young age and would spend it as soon as I got it, whether I worked for it or whether it was pocket money. I always covered my bases and planned for the future by keeping money aside, but I never expected it to make my experiences or life better. I have always built and designed my own things, be it camera rigs or finding a cheaper solution to record the band by myself. I know I am very capable to achieve anything I put my mind to, I have done it time and time again. This was all from being manic, mania formed my personality and its ingrained in me now. People have never been able to break me down, even if they just wanted to correct my behaviour and teach me a lesson. I’ve always know whats wrong or right, but I trust my instincts and do those things anyway just to see what its like so I can have my own opinion on the topic. This opposition through out my life has made me resilient and extremely tough and people usually perceive that as being hard headed. I went through phases at school where I would get really high marks and then really low marks. I was also frustrated with what I was being taught and always felt I should choose what I wanna know and what might be irrelevant is left out unless explained otherwise. I was a difficult child, I had independence and a unique mind.
I’m not the type of person that tells people what they should and shouldn’t do, its your journey so live it up. However, If you think you can achieve the trip I went on, you are sadly mistaken. My trip was divinely crafted and set out before I was even born. The chances of anyone reaching my level of start up mania is very slim, You would get diagnosed by a concerned parent before you smash through the peak like I did. If you happen to reach the mania that I did, there would also be an extremely tiny chance that you could experience a near death experience and the amount of DMT secreted as I had. You could inject or smoke DMT but you’d be getting 1% of what I got. The reason my brain wasn’t fried was because of the DMT; if that didn’t happen I would have brain damage and would be able to recall nothing, thats assuming that I got as far as I did with out anyone noticing. If you are going to try it anyway, It would be best to say your goodbyes to your family and friends. There is a point of no return, I went there and managed to turn around and came back, by some miracle. If I was left to carry on I would have climbed down the manic levels over time assuming my body survived and would’ve gone into manic depression, this would have caused me to kill myself. I’m happy to be medicated, its improved my life in too many ways. I can think clearly for the first time.
You are not me, so don’t be silly and assume that you could go on this trip yourself. I know people are tempted to do this type of thing, but I almost died because of this. My unique life experience crafted a safe trip, although it was extremely dangerous. Buddhist monks dedicate their whole lives to exploring the 5th dimension, separating primal and inner self’s, and never come close to what I did or the source. Its not worth it, trust me.
Lord, Liar or Lunatic?
After reading this blog, some have proclaimed me a Lord, some have proclaimed me a Lunatic, yet no one has proclaimed me a Liar. I now expect to be called a Liar after people who don’t know me read this journey of mine. The truth is what it is.
Lord – I don’t feel like a lord, I don’t think i’m Jesus reincarnated. I am me and I would hate for anyone to proclaim me as a lord or compare me to Jesus. I can do none of the things that Jesus was claimed to have done. I haven’t preached any scriptures to a congregation and haven’t lived my life like christ intended for us to do. I think the Bible is cool but religion and worship has made it very flawed and obtuse. So no to Lord.
Liar – This blog has been posted anonymously, I want no fame or glory from this and only want to share my journey and experience. I want people to try accept the unknown and what they can’t understand and not force their point of view, opinion or beliefs down on people. If this is a lie it is the most obtuse thing to lie about, far too much effort would be needed to create a lie and deception this big and interesting. So no to Liar.
Lunatic – I had mania and manic thoughts, they evolved into multiple personalities and schizophrenia, this eventually led to delusions and full blow psychosis. I was institutionalized and am now medicated. So yes I was a Lunatic, but not anymore.
If anything, I would just like people to never judge what they themselves know nothing or very little about. Sure there was every reason for me to be institutionalized and I can’t argue that, its a fact and what happens in our society when someone stops conforming to the norm. I however was trying to share wisdom and truths with the people around me, and they just thought it was all a garbled hunk of junk I was making up on the spot. I’m sure many other lunatics go through a thought process of spitting out the first thing that comes to their mind, but in my case I just could not convey the idea to anyone due to its enormity and complex structure while my brain was being over stimulated. I was in control up to a certain point and had gone to high, and thats why crazy people get institutionalized. Icarus and his home made wax wings flying towards the sun, its true.
The only reason I did the drawings and essays was because my true self told me to do it, it actually insisted that I document this whole entire journey and never revealed why. I’m glad I did that. A lot of people don’t understand the mind of a lunatic, this might show a better perspective of what happens inside the mind opposed to what we see from the outside. I am pro medication and research of mental disorders. People accept their mental disorders because they have no reference of anything else. I can promise anyone that with the right mindset and medication you can work through your demons and disease and be the best you can be. I however experience the good, bad and terrifying.